Becoming a Working Mom

Remember that time I felt like the universe was trying to tell me something…I feel like it’s been happening again. This time it’s telling me to go back to work. At least I think that’s what it’s saying. I’ve been gifted a shot at a real, paying, full time writing job. And I’m going for it. And I’m excited about it! But I’m also getting nervous. I think it’s going to be great. But what if it’s not?

I know. I am lucky to have a choice to work outside the home or not. I know, I am lucky that someone has agreed to pay me to do what I love. I know, I am lucky that I can try this but don’t have to depend on it to feed and clothe my children. I don’t know if this will be great for me and my family or a disaster. I don’t know how we will handle the transition. I can’t help but have mixed feelings.

  • I’m excited for the opportunity to enter into a field where I don’t exactly have “professional” experience nor a degree directly related to the field.
  • I’m worried about actually not liking my job. Am I too old to be in an entry level position?
  • I’m worried I will like it and feel torn on where to focus my time and energy.
  • I’m happy to have something else to focus on besides my kids’ every wish and command.
  • I’m excited to gain the perspective that comes from stepping outside your normal routine and readjusting.
  • I’m worried I’ll lose some perspective on what’s important.
  • I’m worried my kids will miss me.
  • I’m worried my kids won’t miss me.
  • I’m excited to stretch myself and challenge myself in a way that I have not been for years.
  • I’m worried it will be too much for me to balance.
  • I’m worried about finding someone I trust with my most precious loves. I want to find someone they love but secretly hoping they don’t love her too much!
  • I’m excited for them to see me working hard and helping to provide for them in a different way.
  • I’m afraid they won’t understand why this is important.
  • My kids are too young for me to go back to work full time.
  • My kids are in school now, it’s time to go back to work.
  • I’m excited to have to dress up again!
  • I’m afraid I will look like I just stepped out of 2002. Are high waisted, flared pants really back now?
  • Heels!
  • Falling in heels!
  • I’m excited to have interesting answers to “what did you do all day?”
  • I’m worried I’ll still have boring answers to “what did you do all day?”
  • I’m excited to talk to adults about things that don’t involve bodily functions and fire trucks.
  • I’m afraid no one will be talking about “Jake and the Neverland Pirates” around the water cooler.
  • I’m excited to earn a little money for honest day’s work.
  • I’m afraid all my pay will go to the women I hope my kids love but not too much.

I’m starting to believe this is why parenting brings on gray hair. The push and pull is always there – whether it’s about going back to work, picking the right school, planning a meal – there’s always the mix of certainty and uncertainty. Am I doing the right thing? This is absolutely the right thing.

The real parenting wars aren’t fought on playgrounds (or the internet), they exist inside ourselves.

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